Didn’t expect to be writing again this soon, but my emotions are all over the shot. I was warned after my operation it’d be like this, but never once did I expect to cry for twelve hours straight.
As someone who rarely cries, and definitely does not cry in public, I’ve become an absolute blubbering mess. It’s now 6 am as I’m writing this, my eyes are sore from lack of sleep and crying all night, and not only am I experiencing a lot of emotional pain, but physical too.
I don’t even know what I’ve had to cry about for this long. I don’t even know what to write about. I can’t sum up my feelings in one topic.
I guess part of me feels guilty, recently my ex found out about my abortion. At first it was civil, he told me he didn’t agree with what I had done or how I went about it. But it soon went to being told that what I did was disgusting and that I had no right. I got angry at first, how dare someone tell me how to behave in my own skin? How dare someone assume they could change my mind on what was right for me? How dare he even use words such as disgusting? I lost my head, but this time the anger was unsurprisingly accompanied by tears. I then began to feel a million times worse than I ever did about the situation. I’m struggling with the whole thing as it is, but for people to just not accept my decision and support me, and instead – make me feel ‘disgusting’. I now feel sad, I feel hurt and i’m in so much pain with nobody I can even speak to about it. Sure, my best friend at work, my childhood best friend and my ex-work best friend all know about it, but discussing my feelings is hard, I don’t wanna burden people with any of this. I’m not good with speaking about my feelings as it is, and I’ve ruined a friendship with the one person I’ve ever felt safe telling everything to.
It’s almost as though I have nobody, even though I have so many people reaching out to me, wanting me to confide in them, wanting to help me. It feels as though I am alone, I can’t speak about feelings, I run from them. I’ve always ran from feelings and emotions, it’s what I’ve taught myself to do from a young age, not having emotions or allowing yourself to feel them means you’re not getting hurt. And I get hurt a lot, mainly because I’m so naive. I ignore my instincts and believe the bullshit people tell me, I believe everyone can be a good person and if they’re not, I see through it just to find the little part which is good. I don’t know why I trust anybody. First person who ever betrayed me was my own father, the first person to beat me, to lay hands on me. But at such a young age, it was normal. I thought everyone’s dad did it. Until I got to aged 10 anyways. Then at such a stupidly young age, I got my first boyfriend. One of my cousins best friends, three years older, making him 14, and me 11. He was my first love, and I remained with him until i was 16 almost 17, making him 20. In that time he drained me of everything i was. My self esteem hit rock bottom, my trust in men plummeted after he cheated on my over 40 times. 8 times in just a month. There was also a lot to do with force in the relationship which I won’t go into. But since then I’ve been jumpy, but still never learned to not be naive. As soon as I see a guy who gives off the nice guy vibe, i’m jumping in head first, to realise it’s not much more than a front, and that Mr nice guy can also lie and manipulate. So yeah, I’m kinda done with guys. If I wanted a dickhead, I’d grab one. Every male figure in my life, except my dad (not my biological father, I’m referencing to the dad which raised me from being 16 weeks, who is the most amazing guy anybody could ever meet on this shit hole of a planet FYI) has destroyed some part of me, and to me? They all seemed like they were the guys that wouldn’t do such a thing. Surely that’s some kind of correlation.
Anyways. Tears have stopped. Now to see if my insomnia has gone, because Jesus Christ I need sleep, Can’t remember the last time I had a good kip.
Thanks again for reading, sorry that there’s not any actual reason for this post.
– N xxxx