Murder?

I created this blog as a form of a diary, but also to allow people to read about real lives, real emotions and to almost experience real situations.

Recently, on Friday 17/03/2017, I made a decision, a rather large decision for a 19 year old girl. I only told my three closest friends about this decision. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my mum, even though she would be supporting towards anything i decided to do. My mum is awesome, she’s so chill and honestly like one of my best friends. But when it came to telling her? I just couldn’t. I feared disappointment, even though I know there wouldn’t be anything but support. I feared it affecting my mum, the family woman she is, I didn’t want to hurt her. So I did this alone, with the support of three friends, who still, don’t know how I truly feel about my actions, how I feel about possibly one of the biggest decisions of my life.

The day I had an abortion.

I was dating a guy from September, he was a lot older than me (I’m only 19) and he was almost 27. He was my new boss at work, who I fell for hard and fast. Being 26, and already with two children of his own, he was ready to settle down, to talk about marriage, moving in together, he saw a future, the rest of his life with me. I however, couldn’t see past next week. I wanted fun, I loved our relationship, I loved him. But at my age, it all became too much for me so I ended it in February. Obviously there was much more to our relationship causing it to end, but i’ll get into that another time.

My last period was the day after my birthday in December. And after that, I missed three periods. The first missed period in January I simply assumed it was late, I never knew when my period was due, I just allowed it to come when it came, but once I hit the middle of February with still no period, I then began to worry.

Previously, I began to think I was infertile. I have been sexually active for a few years now, and never been on contraception full term. I have dabbled on and off with the pill, got the coil for about 3 months before having it removed and used condoms on occasions. But most of my sex has been unprotected, and until this point, I have never become pregnant. I love having sex, and I have a lot of sex, or at least I did whist in my long term and recent short relationships. I was having sex at least once or twice a day, and have been doing so for the past many years. Never once had a scare, never once became pregnant.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right – It is my own stupidity for not being on contraception, and yes it was most likely bound to happen eventually. But I think a selfish part of me panicked about my possible infertility, and wanted something to confirm that I was indeed fertile. Which is my lame subconscious excuse for having unprotected sex all this time. I understand a lot more risks come with unprotected sex, but don’t worry, I get checked after every single partner before having sex with the next person I pursue.

Anyways, that was a long detour. I ended up going to my local sexual health clinic in February, and discovered I was pregnant. I was then made appointments for scans to discover how far along I was. At the time of my scan, it turned out I was 10 weeks and two days. Too far along for the abortion pills, which meant I needed to book many hospital appointments arranging and preparing for a surgical abortion.

Like I have said previously, I’m 19. I wasn’t ready to settle down, or to look after anybody but myself. Plus, I didn’t want my ex in my life anymore, and having his child would keep him in my life forever. I know, again another selfish excuse on my behalf. But I’m trying to be true to my blog and explain everything that went through my head.

Being a Christian, I’ve never been against abortion, I don’t believe it is a life until it has been born. (I understand this is a controversial topic, and I’m not arguing against other peoples beliefs. We all believe what we believe and I respect everyone and their beliefs even if they differ to my own.).

Anyways, at the time of my abortion, I was 13 weeks. I went to hospital shitting myself completely. But it wasn’t that bad. The worst part was being given tablets before the operation to dilate my womb, which caused cramping, but no more than a really bad period cramp. The actual procedure was the easiest part, I don’t remember being put to sleep, nor do I remember any of my time in theatre. The only thing I remember is waking up with the nurse I had spent all day with, feeling safe and happy. It was my first ever operation and as far as operations go, I loved every part of it.

But since my operation, I feel sad. I killed my own child, who of which would be born on the 2nd of September according to scans. Like I say I don’t believe it was a life at that time, but It could have become a life. I love children, but now i find myself looking at them and wondering what would have been, what could have been. I also look back now on my past relationship with my ex and think about how it wasn’t always all that bad, and that I probably could have coped with having him in my life. I understand this could all just be my hormones, being all over the place after my operation. But I just rushed straight into this abortion and although I agree with my decision to go through with it, I still wonder what ifs.

I wonder if I should tell my ex, it was his child too. But it’s not like he could do anything about it now, maybe I haven’t told him yet for the same reason I haven’t told my mum. I’ve kept it all on a need to know basis. Maybe it’d hurt him more than it would him not knowing. But either way, I feel extremely sad about the whole situation. I’ve always wanted many children when i’m older. I fear that in the future to come i’ll look at those children and wonder what child number one would have looked like, would it be male or female? Would they be cheeky or shy? Athletic or a book worm? I wonder now. And I feel sad. Although I am told these thoughts are common in these situations, it doesn’t mean I stop being sad. It doesn’t mean I can start feeling comfortable about this whole situation.

But I can’t change the past.
And I still believe my decision was correct for me at this time in my life.

Anyways, thank you for reading.

Lots of Love,

-N xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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